Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled that I’m down nearly 20lbs since March. I’m finally starting to notice it in my clothes. All of my summer shorts and work pants are clownishly big. I’ve taken to wearing dresses (a trick I learned from QuestionsforDessert and FatBridesmaid) because they last through size changes without looking too huge and goofy.
Friday night, Evan and I went to a wedding and I wore a size 16 dress from Land’s End. I felt pretty cute at the time. I loved the dress–it was comfortable, cute, classy and looked pretty darn good with the yellow patent leather heels I decided to wear. I especially loved that it was a size 16–not 18, not 16W (W indicates a wider cut)–especially since when I first discovered the dress a few months ago, the 18 was the size that fit.
As we were getting ready, I realized it was actually a little too big on top. The shoulders were a little too wide and the dress gapped under my armpits. I should have gotten a size 14. The dress is full enough in the skirt to accommodate my pear-shaped lower half. But my brain can’t fathom me being a size 14. In fact, when I went dress shopping at Kohl’s a couple weekends ago to stock up on summer work clothes that actually fit me, I bought all XLs. I didn’t even consider trying on the Ls. But they would have fit me. My aunt gave me a sized L dress that weekend (also from Kohls) that fits perfectly. My favorite workout pants are a size L–and they’re not my favorite because of the size. I have XL pants that are falling off and easily need to be downsized.
Yesterday, I bought a couple pairs of shorts since the two pairs I already owned were so big that if I put my cell phone or wallet in the pocket, I’d get plumber’s crack. Not attractive. The shorts I bought: all size 16. 16 regular. I tried on shirts that were size 12. These are average sizes for American women. Sizes I haven’t been in a decade.
I really don’t feel that small though. In fact, Evan and I took a goofy photo at the wedding, which had an awesome photo booth set-up. He’s lost 35 or so pounds and looks it. His face is slimmer–especially in his chin, neck and cheeks. You can definitely tell in his waist and in his stomach. At the wedding, I noticed his pants were trying to slide down to his hips, if not for his belt’s desperate hold keeping them at waist level.
I, on the other hand, look at the picture of myself and see the saggy arm skin and still wide hips. I used to be a size 24 pant, so a size 16 should be freakin’ tiny. I definitely feel smaller than I did when I started this weight loss gig 70lbs ago, but I don’t feel 70lbs smaller.
Originally, regardless of what the scale says, my goal was to be a size 10/12. I couldn’t possibly imagine myself smaller than that because I don’t remember ever being smaller than that. Now I wonder if that will feel right. I wonder if I’ll still feel and look chunky, despite the 100lbs I will have had to lose to get to that size.
I wonder what will be good enough.