Am I “all-in” or ready to “fold”?

I have quit saying that “I’m getting back on track.” I feel more unreliable than Amtrak these days. First, I let work interrupt my gym schedule. Then it was sickness that drove my fitness regimine into the dirt. And now it’s catching up after jury duty, illness and a conference kept me out of the office for more than a week.

I ended up having bronchial spasms. That’s why I spent night after sleepless night, sitting up in the recliner, wheezing and listening to an eerie rattling sound in my chest. I was unable to sleep–couldn’t even nap during the day–and ultimately, I started to find myself hallucinating after getting all of 8 hours of sleep in three days. Fortunately, on Friday, I returned to my old doctor and she quickly realized I simply needed a few treatments with a nebulizer to start breathing again. From there, I was able to sleep and my body, once it was well-rested, could fight off the virus much better. Still, I wasn’t feeling myself until a full week later.

It’s gotten me to realize something. As with FatBridesmaid, I’m an all-or-nothing kinda gal. It doesn’t take much for me to chuck my plan or goals out the window, and it shows. Some weeks, I put in 60+ hours at work and totally neglect my personal needs. Other times, I take time out to blog at work on my lunch breaks or down time and I track calories faithfully and still manage to stay on top of job commitments and even spend a few more hours at the office on projects (typically ones that I love and that motivate me).

I’m particularly frustrated and demotivated when problems beyond my control impact my ability to get what I want done. That tends to knock me off track more than it should. And when it happens, I get restless and the OCD turns on. Last night, I had just gotten back from my trip to Connecticut (visiting family) and started thinking about how far behind I was–with household chores, with work and with staying in touch with friends. But it was date night with Evan, and I also needed to unpack from my trip. What started off as a 5 minute unpacking job, ended up being a 30-40 minute total clean-up of the bathroom closet, which included refolding towels and facecloths and wiping down all of the shelves. When it was done, I wanted to do more. I struggled to just stay at peace and relax with Evan. I made a mental checklist of all the housecleaning projects I wanted to accomplish (but won’t have time to do) this week.

I am 25 weeks pregnant. I have approximately 15 more weeks to master  develop this ability to balance, compartmentalize and negotiate my time and my commitments before I have the ultimate distraction and schedule disrupter ever. Don’t get me wrong: I am incredibly excited about impending parenthood, but I am becoming increasingly aware of how it’s totally going to change my world. And I’m feeling not quite prepared for it.

So each week for the next 15 weeks, I’m going to issue myself a new challenge that will help me on my quest for better balance. I’ve already plotted out the next few weeks:

  • Week of March 22: get at least 120 minutes of cardio in and 2 weight training sessions.
  • Week of March 28: read for 20 minutes every day
  • Week of April 4: spend 20 minutes a week looking at what needs to get done (both at work and home) and deciding what can be delegated
  • Week of April 11: add yoga to my workout routine at least once a week
  • Week of April 18: develop a reasonable and manageable housekeeping & cooking schedule
  • Week of April 25: give myself permission to do less than 100%
  • Week of May 2: develop a yearlong work calendar with major processes and events and break it into smaller strategies that need to be accomplished from week to week.

Just to give you a sense of how all-or-nothing I can be: I want to start all of this now. Today. Immediately.

*Sigh* Patience. Eventually, I’ll figure it out.

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4 responses to “Am I “all-in” or ready to “fold”?

  1. I like your weekly goals and how they’re related to multiple aspects of your life. Not just workout or food related, but other things that make you happy and give you a sense of accomplishment and balance. Give yourself a break every now and then – you’re carrying another human for 15 more weeks 🙂

  2. Just so you know: I’m singing “the Gambler” by Kenny Rogers because of your poker reference.

    I understand. All of this. I’m really bad about starting a small job (like cleaning the baseboards around the litter box) and letting it turn into a cleaning event that takes my entire evening and distracts me from everything else.

    I like your plan. Something new every week. Now if you can just incorporate stickers somehow…

  3. lol this may be the last time that you have a linen closet that is organized with folded towels! Your child is going to give you a whole set of new priorities that may not fit your schedule. But I know that you will learn to roll with the punches and be the greatest Mom! This is kind of a learn as you go job description but you have had wonderful role models!

  4. I used to be an all or nothing person too – if I ate one “bad” thing, I’d say “forget it!” and eat like shit for weeks, before getting back on track. But when I lost 70 pounds in 1999, I looked at my journals and I ate pizza, had cake, drank beer, and still managed to lose 70 pounds in a year. After gaining 35 pounds after I started taking insulin, I have no idea where this all or nothing attitude took hold of me.

    So now I am back to making good choices 90% of the time, and 10% of pizza, beer and cake – and it’s working – I am down 8.8 this year and I haven’t lost 8.8 in the last two years! 😀

    And yep, you will have to throw planning right out the window after the little one comes – and as much as I hated the advice when I had my daughter, do sleep when they sleep – you’ll be better for it!

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